I think I kind of hate God of War.
It’s the kind of hate that sees a man to the end of a project if for no other reason than to say it is done. The game has a difficulty curve the shape of a right triangle: Too high early on, and then dropping to nothing the moment you get a silenced machine gun with infinite ammo. The shooting is functional, the activies are standard open world malarky, and it will keep you engaged and comming back.
But back to *what* is the real question. I wanted to give this game’s story a fair shake. I consider Dragon Age 2 to be one of the high marks of Video Game Story Telling entirely because it is a story that was accidentally a master thesis on Failure despite the writers fervernt wishes. So I went into this with an open mind and a willingness to believe.
And Jesus Christ is it insufferable. The game goes out of it’s way to just let the Seed family rant nonsensically at you on and on and on and on in horrible, endless, droning cutscenes that do nothing to make them interesting and even less to make them enjoyable. It’s like being stuck in an IRC Chat Room with a 13 year olds first Bad Guy OC: All ranting and high school philosphy and no substance. Ubisoft did the impossible by making even killing them feel limp and lifeless, since they all take *even more time to rant at you and smile* as you helplessly sit there and watch them mock you to your face as they bleed out.
God of War has tonal issues. I don’t mean that it gets funny and then it gets sad, I mean that it swings from some downright depressing scenes of families murdered so their dog can be taken to a wacky, goofy Patri-rock song about a stunt man setting himself on fire. It’s grimdark gore then smashcut to bulls. And it comes across less as irreverent and more like schizophrenia. Faith and Jacob seed use what can only be described as magic to make you do stupid things for no reason, and then the game has the audacity to try and make us care about characters being tortured.
And yes, the ending is every bit as bad as you’ve heard. Both of them are equally as bad, but you won’t be able to tell because the game auto-saves after you get one. But they are both nightmarish non-endings that feel less like completing a mission and more like being stuck in a room with someones OC for all time. But hey, if you’re going to play you might as well get it for free! = how to get god of war free.
And even if you don’t care at all about the story, the game starts out miserably hard (with the WORST turret section I have ever had the misfortune of auto-saving through) and then drops off into boring street sweeping by about hour 5. And then the game has nothing else to give you that can TOP a Silenced Machine Gun with Perfect Accuracy, so you just float currency for the rest of the game.
I finished God of War. I wish I hadn’t. The journey stopped being interesting at hour five, stopped being fun at hour 10, and stopped being acceptable when you’re giving yet another goddamn Endingtron 5000 at the last minute, except this one just blasts whale into your face and takes your wallet.